Category Archives: Bad Poetry

Sea Salt

Sea Salt
See Saw
See, Salt
See Saul see salt

Long board
Long john
Long John Sliver
Silver like the sea
Like the salt of the sea

Salted rim
Salty dog
Salty salty Rin Tin Tin
Doggie paddle swim swim swim

Seals with salt
Sealed with salt
Salty sea lions roaring
Dogs of the Sea

See one salt
A salty-salt
A salty assault in your eyes
Burn blue eyes red
Is that blue
You call that blue

The eyes of the fish taste like salt
They say
The water tastes like bromine
They say
The ocean tastes like sea

the hoe and the rake

Last night he had a dream
That he was looking in the sun
During all the rain
And all the tools were in the shed rusting into rusty rust

And a big, weathered, broken-in pickup truck
Plowed backwards through the lawn
The lawn he could see through the window
That in reality wasn’t there
But there it was
There it was
The other truck
Axle deep in the dirt
All four fat tires spinning

And holy shit what is that guy thinking, he thought
And, and, and when his wife gets home, he thought,
She’s going to kill me
And I don’t mean “kill me” like, like I’m just saying that
Like I’m just imagining that
Like I’m just dreaming that
I mean she’s gonna kill me
And, and, he keeps telling himself to wake up, wake up, wake up
But he’s not asleep

He can’t get up
He can’t lift his head
He can’t protect her flower bed
And, and, and she’s insane when it comes to things like this, he thinks
He knows it
He’s lived it
Things like how he tends to her shrubbery
Or doesn’t or
Or, or, or, sometimes, how he totally ignores the lawn she has had manicured
Just hoping he’d notice
But he didn’t
He’s sorry
But he didn’t
And now he’s sorry
And, and, and now he’s stuck
In bed
All alone
While another guy is ploughing her garden

There’s No “I” in Poop

The bathroom
On the first floor
Of the building where i work
Often smells of shit

Men’s room, if you must know

Big sticking outhouse-style shit-piles of shit

But today
The whole first floor
Of the building where i work
Is smelling of shit

Human Resources, and Employee Engagement Offices, if you must know

Big sticking outhouse-style shit-piles of shit

Who the fuck shits so much
Oh, my, god, it’s creeping up the stairwells and elevator shafts
The whole building where i work
Now smells like shit

From the president of the company
To the assistant to the associate to the guy who seems to just walk around with a clipboard, smiling,
If you must know

Big sticking outhouse-style shit-piles
And shit-piles
And shit-piles
And shit-piles of shit

why o why

why are you this
why are you that
why do you think the sun shines out of your asshole, she says

why all the why’s
and the size of the why’s
when the why’s are just lies

no one gets rich marrying me, she says
it was in our god-damned-vowels, she says
why don’t you remember our god-damned-vowels, she says

o why o why o why does it even matter, she says


and she leaves
and she leaves him
and she leaves him with one last word
a question really

where are my fuckin’ keys?


it’s like uhm…
you really shouldn’t…
you kinda…
i mean…
i just, just want to say…
(o my god, my chest is so fuckin’ tight)
lemme just…
ok, ok, the point is…
and it’s no big….
i mean…
well, yes, and no…
(o, fuck, i can’t think, or even breathe)
never mind
never mind
never mind
it’s only, i guess
i guess
to me
(fuck, i’m so fucking mad… at you)

Time and Time Again

the time it takes
to take the time
it takes the time it takes
to make the time
each time

time and time and time again
the time you take
is equal to
the time you fake
each time

set your damn alarm clock ten minutes earlier
set aside time
save some time
look at your watch and lie to yourself
each time

give yourself the time
tell yourself to give yourself that time
this time
it’s time
to make time
for whatever time it takes

you were never good enough to have that time
you were never good enough to love

Election Results Are In

Coal is the new Black, always has been, always will be.

Coal is the new Freedom
Freedom is the new Guns
Guns are the new Jesus

Coal is Jesus
Jesus is Coal

Jesus H. Coal, and the Church of Formerly Good Jobs and Lung Disease

See the church
See the steeple
See all the mining inspectors getting their safety vests all twisted up in regulations in the coal shaft
Oranges!… The new black!
Oranges!… The new apple!
Don’t tell Apple.
Apple is the new gay.

Stream of consciousness is the only river that still has living fish.
Teach a man to fish and eventually he’ll get a reality TV show.
Crazy Uncle is the new Scary Clown
No, no, I didn’t get your text!
Oh, shit, am I still texting your mom?

football is so gay

football is the gayest sport
you know, what with all the ass slapping
the chest bumping
and the men in padded tights
like a steroid ballet
or a gym in chelsea

football is the gayest sport
oh, oh, you might think it’s nascar
and nascar is quite gay
but even though their drivers wear hot leather onesies
– zippered all the way down
and even though they have a pit crew of greased up grown up men trained in fast lube jobs
– all primed to rotate his tires, if you know what i mean
truth is
nascar is not a sport
it’s a auto show
– for drunken gay hillbillies

but football is a sport
and a 100% homosocial sport
a club if you will
with all the men on the field is hoping to score
with each other

put your balls between his up-rights
with your tight ends,
and your wide receivers,
and men going down
the field,
and the other men going down,
the field,
but yet some men staying with the cute one
trying to break into his pocket
for the sack
– are you gonna go for the sack?
– yes, as soon as he hints at making a pass, I’m going for the sack

move the chains
and bang it in
jump on his loose ball
penetrate his backfield
go deep
go deeper
go all-the-way

beat his helmut
every monday night
any given sunday
beat his redskin red

and all the dancing
celebrating like disco techs in the 70s
(but today’s linebackers have better drugs)
and the pre-game macarena
hands go out
hands on helmut
hands on hips
hands in the air
now grunt, 2,3,4…

oh, drop-back and give me some man-to-man coverage

look in my eyes
my fellow muscular football playing man
all suited up
let’s promise each other
that today we’re gonna leave it all on the field
take my face-mask
in your big, firm hands
and i’ll take your shoulder pads
and we’ll pull each other into each other
slamming each other into each other
banging each other into each other
and again and a
again and again…
leave it all on the field
leave it all on the field
leave it allllllll!!!!!!!!


it’s nice when we come together in the end zone

Dirge of Virginia Beach

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
You southernly southern summer vacation
You oceanly ocean family destination
With your bulging, belching, tattooed tourists
Who eat and drink and shuffle down your board-less boardwalk
With their sunburned, sugar-comma kids dragging behind

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
What state you are in
What commonwealth you bring
To your sand which is rough, uneven
To your waves that are small, even
For your bald, old man surfers peeling away
Trying to get it up just one more time

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
80 percent located at the corner of white and trash
Where every tiny block has an endless buffet
An bottomless cup, a bucket of funnel cake
Deep fired, in a cone, on a stick,
Dipped in chocolate and covered with sprinkles

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
Your tee-shirts read as if you could read:
(and I quote, these are real tee-shirt quotes)
“Shut up and Die!”
“I Pooped Today!”
“Number One Sexy Gramma!”
“The South Will Rise Again!”
“Jesus is my Lifeguard!”
“Bitch Wants My Dick!”

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
A great beach book-ended by US Military Bases
A human tannery where the fit fit between where the unfit sit
A thin stretch of sand that finally got its religion right
There is no god but Neptune
There is no god but Neptune
There is no god