Dirge of Virginia Beach

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
You southernly southern summer vacation
You oceanly ocean family destination
With your bulging, belching, tattooed tourists
Who eat and drink and shuffle down your board-less boardwalk
With their sunburned, sugar-comma kids dragging behind

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
What state you are in
What commonwealth you bring
To your sand which is rough, uneven
To your waves that are small, even
For your bald, old man surfers peeling away
Trying to get it up just one more time

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
80 percent located at the corner of white and trash
Where every tiny block has an endless buffet
An bottomless cup, a bucket of funnel cake
Deep fired, in a cone, on a stick,
Dipped in chocolate and covered with sprinkles

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
Your tee-shirts read as if you could read:
(and I quote, these are real tee-shirt quotes)
“Shut up and Die!”
“I Pooped Today!”
“Number One Sexy Gramma!”
“The South Will Rise Again!”
“Jesus is my Lifeguard!”
And
“Bitch Wants My Dick!”

O, Virginia Beach, Virginia, O
A great beach book-ended by US Military Bases
A human tannery where the fit fit between where the unfit sit
A thin stretch of sand that finally got its religion right
There is no god but Neptune
There is no god but Neptune
There is no god

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