It’s Wet Outside, Isn’t It?

the rain looks like ocean spray
a spit-take of foamy waves
the way, you know, like in a comedy, someone drinks right before a joke and then they spit out the drink while trying to hold it in
and it makes it look rain
sorta
like this rain
sorta looks like the ocean
as I said
finding its way on shore
through the sky, like clouds
like clouds do
the way, you know, like clouds do, you know, when the water vapor gets into the atmosphere through a process called evaporation; then the water vapor rises in the atmosphere; and there it cools down and forms tiny water droplets through something called condensation
like that
you know
like rain
this rain
which, as we’ve established, looks like
and possible at one point was
the ocean
doing a spit take in your face

Where Protection

god, there is no
turns out, funny, really
turns out there is no big
peanut allergy thing
ha, wow,
we just created it ourselves
partly to be good parents
to be good people
to protect our children
well
o, and, when there is a possible peanut problem the solution is
oddly enough
most often to
feed your kid peanuts
(of course, there are exceptions, i’m no doctor, as they say)
oxymoronic, no?
moronic, no?
like good parents following the divine wisdom of jenny macarthy
(you’re no doctor, as they say)
or otherwise good people who are mormons
a belief in something completely made up
by a sexual predator conman
(fact, as they say: joseph smith was a sexual predator: end fact)
(fact, as they say: joseph smith was a conman: end fact)
(fact, as they say: joseph smith started the morman church: end fact)
o but bless his heart
god bless his heart
just keep your daughters far away from that danger
damn
goddamn
god willing
and so it is
you
who
gets
to
decide
if
you
should
let
your
kids
eat
nuts
or
vaccinate
your
kids
or
protect
them
from
mormons

Pick Up The Keys

Bernice and Benjamin in a café.  Bernice pushes back her chair, picks her keys off the table and says…

Bernice:  I hate you.

Benjamin pushes back his chair, picks his keys off the table and says…

Benjamin:  I hate you.

They both exit.  They return.

Bernice: I think I have your keys.

Benjamin: Yeah, me too.

They exchange keys, looking at each other’s hands.  Then part, exit.  Bernice reenters

Bernice: Hey, what is that, by the way?

Benjamin enters.

Benjamin: What?

Bernice: The thing on your key ring?  The coconut shell?

Benjamin: Well, what do you think?  It’s a piece of coconut shell.

Bernice: From?

Benjamin: Yeah. From. I never wanted to forget.

Bernice: Of course.  Me.  Me too.

Benjamin: Yeah.

Bernice: I should go.

Benjamin: Yeah.

They stay.   Looking into each other’s eyes.

Benjamin: I love you.

Bernice: I love you.

The end.

 

 

avocado green

I just ate
a green avocado
deep yellow-green
yellow turning into green
or more like green turning into
yellow
ish
pulling and fading from one extreme to the other
into deep chestnut brown
with the type of gradation that only a photoshop pro would envy
envy until she was green
green
like the avocado
I just ate

Shoulder Burden

God my shoulder hurts
Goddamn my shoulder hurts
What was I thinking
What was I doing
I don’t even drink
But I fell down like a drunk
Ah, what the fuck
Shit, shit, shit
My shoulder hurts

Yeah, yeah, yeah
My shoulder still fucking hurts
It’s only been 12 seconds since you asked
Why do you ask
Why do you ask
Does your shoulder hurt?
Seems ridiculous
Seems ridiculous to ask what you just asked
Fucking ridiculous

Sorry
I’m in pain, and I’m sorry
I’m hungry, too
I know you were just asking how I felt
I know you were just asking out of concern
I know you were just asking about my shoulder
Well it’s only been 35 seconds since the last time you asked, and yes, yes, yes my shoulder still fucking hurts

Dropping Like Birds

It was a Tuesday before all the regular Wednesday shit started to happen, so she was OK with not knowing where the fuck he was — or was she?  She would be tomorrow because she wouldn’t be able to think of anything but chickens and conveyor belts and front-end loaders and shit.

“But this is not the time to be fucking around,” she said out loud over the blasting music to no one.

He had grown up running away from a momma with a fist full of pills and a fist full of fury, so he knew what it meant to piss off a woman.  But what the fuck he thought as he drove to her sister’s house last night — “didn’t matter,” he will remember remembering when he can remember.   “Didn’t matter,” he will say when he sees here, “didn’t matter; I was drunk; didn’t know what I was doing; couldn’t have known what I was doing.”

So, she went to sleep, having had this life before – having had this same thing last goddamn month.  And he came home eventually – early in the morning Wednesday — but, too late to talk.

He smelled like whiskey, perfume, fast sex and fast food; she was walking out the door in thigh-high chicken killin’ boots.

She’d said, “this all has to stop.”

He said,  “it will.”

 

 

Conspiracy Theory

Ashley and Bethany on a semester break from senior year of college. Each is “on their phones,” as they say, with email, texts, apps, etc; while talking to each other.

ASHLEY: Oh My God. Horrifying.
BETHANY: Whaaa?
ASHLEY: I just read something.
BETHANY: OK.
ASHLEY: If this is true it’s horrifying.
BETHANY: All right.  But i doubt it.
ASHLEY: It’s horrifying. If true, hor-ri-fy-ing!
(Pause)
BETHANY: Well, what is it?
ASHLEY: Hey, how about this… Chemtrails.
BETHANY: Oh yeah, that’s not true.
ASHLEY: Seems like it is. I mean, chemtrails.
BETHANY: Yeah, I know, the government dumping chemicals out of the back of commercial airlines.
ASHLEY: Aircraft.
BETHANY: Whatever. Its a, what, a conspiracy theory.
ASHLEY: How do you know? I mean how would we would you ever know?
BETHANY: How do I know it’s a conspiracy theory?
ASHLEY: Yeah.
BETHANY: Because it is.
ASHLEY: But that’s just it, that’s just it, the cover-up, the cover-up is part of the conspiracy.
BETHANY: The cover-up is not part of the conspiracy. The conspiracy is not real, there is no cover-up. There can’t be a cover-up of something that doesn’t really exist. Duh.
ASHLEY: What are you talking about? What are you even talking about? That’s what a conspiracy is, a cover-up! There has to be a cover-up or there’s no conspiracy.
BETHANY: OK, OK, I agree with you on that. But there’s no cover-up. There’s no-cover up for something that’s not happening. That never happened.
ASHLEY: So if it happened, then there is a cover up?
BETHANY: Usually.
ASHLEY: OK, you think that 9/11 just happened? Just happened, like it was just terrorism, and that the government wasn’t involved in 9/11 at all?
(Pause)
BETHANY: Yes.
ASHLEY: You think Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy?
BETHANY: Yes, like a million years ago.
ASHLEY: You think the people have actually been on the surface of the moon?
BETHANY: Yes.
ASHLEY: Are you having sex with my father?
(Pause)
BETHANY: Yes.
(Pause)
ASHLEY: I hacked into his email. (pause) Horrifying.

END

Trumpilton!

Trumpilton! a Day One of Parody based on Hamilton! (with Additional Lyrics by Miller Susen)

Kanye: (sung to “Alexander Hamilton”)

How does an bastard, mop-top, son of a Scot and German
Without much book learning
A birther and a blowhard whose voice was never hesitant
Stay in New York City — be forty-fith president?

Hillary Clinton:

This million-buck rich kid was no self starter
He didn’t work harder, he wasn’t much smarter
He bragged out one side, and lied out the other
Had five rich kids from three different mothers

Kanye:

And everyday immigrants worked for him, thanklessly
While he went on – six times! – to claim bankruptcy
Inside he was yellow – and outside he was orange
He was scheming and screaming and nothing rhymes with orange

Hillary:

His campaign came, and fake news reigned
Hillary saw her hopes slip, slippin’ down the drain
This woman in a pantsuit who challenged his game
Put more hatred in his message – fannin’ up the flames!

Kanye:

Then the word got around, they said, this dude is insane, man!
Let’s turn out and elect him so he can be our main man
Don’t need no education, you can vote just the same, and
The world’s gonna feel our pain. Feel my pain, man!

(right into)

Hillary:
Ladies and Gentleman!

Kanye, Hillary, and audience:
Here comes the general
Rise up! (What?)
Here comes the general
Rise up! (What?)
Here comes the general
Rise up!
Here comes the general

And his right hand man!

(Trump comes on stage with Ivanka.)

Trump: (sung to “You’ll Be Back”)
You say
the price of my love’s not a price that you’re willing to pay
(wrong!)
You cry
and you stare at my hair as you watch your healthcare go bye-bye
Why so sad?
I totally won by a landslide on election day
And now you’re all mad
Because I’ll build a wall and make Mexico pay?

(I’ll take…) America Back
Soon you’ll see
I’ll take it back to 1953
(I’ll take…) America Back
Time will tell
‘Course if you’re brown or gay it’ll be a living hell

Oceans rise – while I tweet jokes
Cuz global warming’s just a Chinese hoax

And when push comes to shove
I will drain the swamp.. into my cabinet… to remind you of my love

Don, don, don, don, don
Don, don, don, don, donald j. trump
Donald Trump is president. (repeat)

You think I’m not smart. Well, I don’t pay no taxes.
You say I won the election due to Russian hacks-es
And no don’t change the subject
Cause Trump’s the only subject
No longer president elect
I’m the world’s best wonderful president
For ever
Fantastic
Terrific
And Hugely
And Bigly, forever, so bigly….

Make America Great!
Like before
Bomb-the-shit-outta-em like it’s ’44
Make America Great!
Degree by degree
Welcome to Trump University

It’s just four years, so don’t go mad
And don’t throw away this chance I have
Cause when push comes to shove
I will grab you by the pussy… to remind you of my love

Everyone (with dancing):

Don, don, don, don, don
Don, don, don, don, donald j. trump
Donald Trump is president. (repeat)

When you create an overnight theater festival in 24 hours, the day after the inauguration, you may end up with an 8th, special bonus, presentation. With apologies and respect to Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jonathan Groff, 24/7, last night, presented the one and only performance of TRUMPILTON!

Created as part of 24/7, presented by Whole Theatre: http://wholetheatre.org
Performed, Jan 21, 2017 — with only one rehearsal — in the Gibson Theatre of Live Arts: http://livearts.org

  • Kanye — Ike Anderson
  • Hillary — Miller Susen
  • Trump — Ray Nedzel
  • Ivanka — Lindsay Goodrich

 

 

Bluebird, Bluebird

Look at the pretty bluebird, bluebird
Sitting on my shoulder
Listen to her singing, her singing
Could not be any bolder

But just before taking-off, taking-off
No longer to be heard
She leaves a sloppy-dropping, dropping
Off a runny turd

And so I go to wipe it, wipe it
Clear from my clean shirt
But as I swipe my hand, my hand
Smears and spreads bird-dirt

On the house next door, next door, next door,
Next door there is a spigot
Which should provide a wash, a wash
With water – that’s the ticket

Summer’s sun had been heating, heating
Water in the hose
Soon my face was bleeding, bleeding
From burns upon my nose

That’s how I scared my face, my face
Which had been rather pretty
Before one delicate bluebird, bluebird
Who just happened to be shitty